Goodbye, and good luck

August 12th, 2010

Well, Saskatchewan… it’s been fun. When I moved here 3½ years ago my first thought was “I’d better bring some books!” You see, according to Winnipeg lore there is nothing to do in Saskatchewan. NOTHING! Except farm.

True, farming is big out here but it turns out there’s a lot more to this province than that. In my brief time here I’ve made some of the best friends of my life and also met the girl I’ll be marrying in the not too distant future. Pretty good haul, if you ask me.

I want to say a quick thanks to everyone at GX94 and Fox FM for making Yorkton such a great place to live and work. Special thanks to Brad Bazin for hiring me in the first place and continuing to help me get to where I want to be. A big thanks to all of you who have let me into your home, office and car for the last few years and an even bigger thank you to everyone who’s been reading my blog and allowing me to vent some of the random stuff I’ve been able to write about.

One more quick list and then, like Keyser Söze (ask someone who’s seen The Usual Suspects), I’m gone…

Things I Have To Do In Yorkton Before I Leave

1. Yell “Go Bombers” in a crowded room
2. Wait in line on Broadway to get into Tim Horton’s drive through
3. Raid the GX94 prize room
4. Double-check to make sure there’s nobody else in town I need to get engaged to
5. Get embarrssingly intoxicated at Tonya and Brennan’s wedding
6. Apologize to Tonya and Brennan for ruining their big day
7. Go for one more wing night at Tapps
8. Go for one more breakfast at Melrose Place, because who else has a restaraunt called Melrose Place??
9. Desecrate a Rider flag
10. Get stuck waiting for a train to pass by
11. Hand in my time sheets from 2007-present
12. Vote for Yorkton at Riderville.com
13. Buy another case of overpriced beer
14. Stare out the window of the 4th floor of 120 Smith Street
15. Say “No… it’s just been raining on my face” when someone asks if I was crying
16. Fill my pockets with canola and potash
17. Give Stevens another dose of his pet-friendly sedatives
18. Laugh at Stevens as he stumbles his way into his pet carrier
19. Buy a GPS and type in “Windsor, ON”
20. Pack, clean, and drive off into the sunrise

And finally, to bookend this blog I want to end it the same way I started… with baby pandas doing stuff!!!

Take care, and thanks for a great time I’ll never forget.

Panda1

Panda4

Panda2

Stay classy, Saskatchewan

Stay classy, Saskatchewan

Things I Learned While Living In Saskatchewan

August 10th, 2010

This is my last week in Yorkton, and sadly my last week at GX94. It’s been an amazing time despite the constant harassment from Brad Bazin and other Rider fans who shall remain nameless (OK… their names include Chad, Danny, Brennan, Craig, another Craig, Randy, Doug, another Doug, Wayne, Calvin, and countless others). I’ll be off to Ontario with my future wife and present cat along with a U-Haul full of memories, most of which were a huge pain to pack. Our mission? Spread the gospel of the Winnipeg Blue Bombers to unsuspecting Argo, Ti-Cat, and Detroit Lions fans. We’re hoping for better results than we got in our four year stint in Saskatchewan. (last count: 0 converts and 1 lost Dinwiddie)

Things I Learned While Living In Saskatchewan:

1. If someone in Saskatchewan says “I’ll pick you up for dinner”, expect them at noon, not 6pm.
2. Paying for a bunnyhug is not something that you can be arrested for
3. The same people who make fun of socials will often attend the much cooler-sounding cabarets
4. People in Saskatchewan really love to watch horses run fast
5. Horses in Saskatchewan run slower when I bet on them
6. Rider fans are superior to Bomber fans in every way
7. Rider fans respond well to flattery and don’t recognize sarcasm
8. Kakawistaha is the most fun gas station to pronounce
9. People in Spy Hill really like cats
10. Wadena is a great place for donuts
12. There’s nothing wrong with deer meat
13. Watermelons make great salads, and great headgear
14. Pilsner isn’t poison. But it’s still not a very good beer.
15. Strippers and alcohol don’t mix
16. “I’m going to Craven” is in fact a proper sentence
17. “I’m going to Climax” is also a proper sentence, and not at all dirty
18. “I’m going to Climax at Craven” is both proper, dirty, and apt
19. Saskatchewan isn’t full of toothless hillbillies. Most people here have teeth.
20. Augers and swathers are status symbols
21. The Painted Hand Casino does not offer refunds
22. People in Whitewood will offer big money for Rib Tickler answers
23. People in Yorkton are very very very serious about curling
24. Jokes about the 13th man are seen as a hate crime
25. GX94 is/was/and will be the best station in the province

Thanks again to everyone for all the great times. I’ve still gotta post a “things to do in Yorkton before I leave” list, so let me know if there’s something I need to do to make my Yorkton experience complete.

Cats on drugs

August 9th, 2010

In preparation for a long journey, my fiance and I took our cat Stevens to the vet the other day. The two minute drive reinforced why we decided to get him some traveling sedatives… the world came to an end, the sky fell, and all bad things that happened to anyone anywhere throughout feline or human history were voiced (very very vocally) by the ball of hatred and pain on Jess’ lap. He really put on quite the show. Bottom line: Stevens does not enjoy moving vehicles.

The vet told us that some pets have the exact opposite reaction you want when given the sedative and it can actually make them more loud and more unbearable. This seemed impossible (see preceding paragraph), but we decided to give him a test run anyway. Fortunately for us and our impending travels, Stevens seemed to enjoy his six hour trip. He never really passed out, but he did lumber around the apartment like your uncle after last call at the C.I.

This isn’t him, but it’s funny.

You thought the hail was bad at your place?

August 3rd, 2010

hail

This is the biggest hailstone to ever hit North America. It landed in Vivian, South Dakota (fortunately not on Vivian from South Dakota) and weighted 1 pound 15 ounces. That doesn’t sound like a lot, but keep in mind we’re talking about a chunk of ice plummeting from the sky at 150 km/h! To get the the true feeling of what almost 2 pounds of ice feels like, you really need to get nailed in the head by it. On top of all that, this one’s got those little points on top that kind of make it look like Shrek’s head. Ouch.

shrek

Elitist Scientists Debunk 5 Second Rule, saying “YUCK! DON’T PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH!”

July 26th, 2010

The following transcript is from an interview between a reporter and a scientist from Clemson University. Some details may have been completely fabricated.

Reporter: Results from the multi-million dollar research facility at Clemson University have yielded shocking results that may change the way you eat forever. One of the so-called scientist involved in the study joins me now.

Scientist: Good morning. Thanks for having...

Reporter: Yeah yeah yeah, spare me the pleasantries. What's the big find you're all sooooo excited about?

Scientist: Basically, we've come to the conclusion that if you drop food on the floor, even for only a few seconds... it will get dirty.

Reporter: Whoa whoa whoa... back up, poindexter. Don't talk to me like I've got a PhD in Scientology. Give it to me straight.

Scientist: Umm... ok. Not really sure how else to say it. In essence, what we've found is that bacteria from the floor takes much less than 5 seconds to be transferred to...

Reporter: EVOLUTION IS ONLY A THEORY!!! CLIMATE CHANGE IS A MYTH!!! GRAVITY IS ALL IN YOUR MIND!!! POLAROID CAMERAS STEAL A PIECE OF YOUR SOUL!!!

Scientist: Uhh... sure. All valid points. But back to the food study for a sec...

Reporter: MERMAIDS ARE REAL!!! THE MOON IS MADE OF CHEESE!!! PEOPLE USED TO RIDE DINOSAURS!!!

Scientist: Are we going to talk about our study, or...

Reporter: I'm afraid your time is up. But thanks for ruining my lunch and all future lunches I will ever have.

Scientist: What?

Reporter: You heard me, Einstein. You disgust me, thinking you're better than me because you only eat "clean" food that hasn't been on the "floor" and isn't swarming with "disease". You've got 5 seconds to get out of here before I eat you off the floor.

{Scientist gathers his papers and “Dungeons & Dragons Weekly” magazine and hurries out the door, narrowly avoiding a chicken wing that smashes harmlessly against the glass, drops to the floor, and is then picked up and eaten by the disgruntled reporter. The reporter is recovering nicely from the whooping cough, hepatitis, and salmonella he contracted from the tainted wing, but stands by his point that “I’ll eat it if I want to, even if it kills me.”}

Top Athletes vie for Sparkling Bowl

July 21st, 2010

The list of the favourite athletes in America was just released. But more importantly, my mom is coming to visit so I’ve had to find a list of household chores. Both lists individually are kind of boring but combined they become:

Jay’s list of chores and the athletes who should do them

Vacuum – Michael Bishop, because he sucks so much
Dog Walker - Donovon Bailey
Dog Skater – Cindy Klassen
Car Washer - Danica Patrick
Car Waxer – Mr. Miyagi
Grocery Shopper - William “The Refrigerator” Perry
Window Washer - Mario Lemieux (amazing reach)
Ceiling Washer - Shaquille O’Neal
Snow Shoveller - Ben Johnson (on the juice)
Lawn Mower - Ben Johnson (drinking juice)
Toilet Brush – Troy Polamalu
Duster (French Maid) - Maria Sharapova
Garbage Disposal – Joey Chestnut (eating champion)
Sweeper - Jennifer Jones

Most of these people make enough money to just buy a new house when the old one is dirty. Definitely not Michael Bishop. Or Jones and Chestnut for that matter, and I’m pretty sure Pat Morita is dead. Regardless… nobody on any list anywhere is volunteering to clean my place any time soon.

If all else fails, just designate a certain room as “storage” to store your dirty dishes, unwashed clothes, deceased pets, Christmas trees, old pumpkins, and undeclared children. Then all you need to do is hire George St. Pierre to stand guard.

Be on your best behaviour, Yorkton. No swearing, stand up straight, and for the love of god LOCK YOUR CAR DOORS!!! She looks innocent, but Winnipeg didn’t become the stolen car capital of Canada by accident.

Super-Awesome Infomercial Issues

July 20th, 2010

If it’s been a while since you’ve absorbed some late night infomercials (like an ultra-absorbent Sham Wow, only $19.99… but you know we can’t do that price all day), I’ve got a couple of golden moments here. Notice that even with the painful tragedies that befall the hapless salespeople, they never break Alec Baldwin’s ABC rule from Glengarry Glen Ross: Always Be Closing.

The Other ABC’s of infomercial selling:
Always Be Clumsy
Always Bleed Cleanly
After, Buy Celebrex
Ask Before Crying
Abruptly Break Cranium
Anyone Buying this Crap?

Best Movie Idea Since “Snakes On A Plane”

July 19th, 2010

Bombers adopt, promptly ban new reason to drink heavily at game

July 14th, 2010

Not since “the wave” has a fan-based distraction got so much attention. The much discussed “beer cup snake” is the latest (and shortest-lived) fad to grace the CFL. The Bomber brass has already come down hard on the practice, looking to ban it for future games.

beer cup snakebeer cup snake2beer_cup_snake

You might be thinking “Why ban it? That looks cool!” True, it does look pretty cool… unless you’re among the fans who are getting mostly-empty beer cups rained down on them from the upper deck.

R.I.P. BEER CUP SNAKE
JULY 2010 – JULY 2010

Despite what Bomber fans like me will tell you, Winnipeg did not invent the beer cup snake. It’s been going on since people have been drinking beer and coming up with alcohol-induced inventions.

Beer Cup Snake Invention Process:
“Wha…wh…what would… … … dude, what would happen if we… … no, dude LISTEN to me… … what if… *hic*… if we just kept stacking these cups… like… forever!”

A new record beer snake length was set recently in Perth, Western Australia during a match between Australia and South Africa. The beer snake stretched about 45m, the entire width of the Inverarity Stands. I think Bomber fans can beat that, but it’ll have to be on the down-low from now on.

Sie liebt dich, ya ya ya

July 7th, 2010

Happy 70th, Ringo! He wasn’t the cute one, the quiet one, or the smart one. He wasn’t the best songwriter, musician, or singer. He wasn’t the one with the most fans, awards, or post-Beatles success. He wasn’t a lot of things, but he was the freaking drummer of the freaking Beatles! That should be enough for anyone.

If anything, Ringo was the one who seemed to be enjoying the ride the most. John, Paul, and George had their whole “tortured artist” thing, but Ringo was always at the party and never the D.D.

One of my favourite Beatles quotes ever:

Reporter: Is Ringo Starr the best drummer in the world?
Lennon: He’s not even the best drummer in the Beatles.

Later that day, I suspect…

Lennon: Hey, Ringo.
Ringo: {under his breath} Wanker.
Lennon: Pardon?
Ringo: Nothing.

If you’re a die-hard Beatlemaniac, chances are you’ve already translated their entire catalogue into several other languages. The Beatles did it with only two of their songs when they managed to sing the German words to “I Want to Hold Your Hand” (“Komm gib mir deine Hand”) and “She Loves You” (“Sie liebt dich”). They also recorded part of “Get Back” (“Geh raus”) during a 1969 rehearsal, but it was never released as a single.

Seems kind of strange now but back in the 60’s it was something that was done fairly frequently. Even Johnny Cash released two German singles… most likely Ring of Bratwurst and Man In Black Lederhosen.